Some days are harder than others...

I’m going to be honest, I’m having a hard time blogging today. I take that back…I’m not having a hard time blogging; I have four lengthy paragraphs written, but I don’t want to post what I’ve written because…I guess because right now, I’m not feeling as “ready to take on the day” as I was yesterday. I know it is to be expected and I’m not really beating myself up about it. Anybody who is dealing with a loss of some kind, no matter how small it might be in comparison to other things they’ve dealt with, understands that you are going to have moments where you are up and moments where you are knocked back down again. For the most part, I’d say I spend most of my time in a more positive mood and each day I can feel myself making gradual progress, but it is still frustrating to be blindsided now and then by renewed feelings of grief (?) no matter how short lived they might be.

I don’t want you to think this is all about the recent breakup with Greg. That is part of it I guess, but with that whole experience comes grief over the realization that I’m not quite as emotionally evolved as I thought I was. I think I’m grieving more over the fact that I wasn’t anywhere NEAR ready for a relationship with a man. It could have been any man…I don’t think I’m ready to pick the right person or cultivate a healthy relationship with the right person and I guess I thought I was further along on that path than I actually am. Ultimately, it leaves me wondering…will I ever be ready? Will I ever resolve my issues with straight men and overcome the fear I feel when they are merely expressing an interest in me? Am I doomed to continue to pick the same sort of man (gay, or at the least sexually ambiguous) because they are all I feel safe with? Will I ever overcome the beating my self esteem took being married to a gay man for all these years and be able to trust my judgement again? Sometimes I am optimistic that I will get there eventually and sometimes I feel like I will it will never happen.

I am working on getting some counseling set up with the local Archdiocese. I’m just waiting to hear back from them to see how much the visits are going to be. I think they will be able to work with me though; I’m hoping they will. Just thinking about beginning this work with a therapist is overwhelming and exhausting, but I know it has to be done. If I don’t begin to address these issues, I am positive that *something* is going to have to “give.” Either I will begin to gain the weight (my armor) back at some point, or I will transfer that addiction to something else in order to mask the issues causing me pain/frustration/etc.

I know all that may sound as if the emotional pendulum has swung the other way from the positivity of yesterday’s post. Really, it hasn’t so much. For the most part, I really am doing better. I’ve stuck to my diet and gotten in at least two walks a day (about a mile each for both) and I’m finding that I could easily get addicted to the morning walk. There is something about getting your blood pumping that early in the morning and then coming home to shower and start your day that is satisfying; perhaps it helps me start the day off feeling more relaxed?

I also haven’t had a drop to drink since Saturday evening when I went out to dinner with Tanner and Erik. I’m almost embarrassed that I can feel a sense of pride in that declaration; being proud that I’ve managed to go 2-3 days without a drink. I’m not going to lie; I miss my glass of wine at night. It helped me to relax and kind of “exhale” the stress of the day, but I’m finding that taking an evening walk is helping me de-stress and relax in a similar way. I still can’t believe that I can crave that glass of wine the way I used to crave food though. Up until this last year, I just couldn’t identify at all with whatever motivated some individuals to drink or turn to alcohol the way I turned to food.

This morning, my friend Shannon came and walked with me and it was nice just to have some time with her to talk. We went walking last night, but her daughter was with us so our conversation tends to stay pretty superficial. She’s actually going to be having her surgery next Wednesday and I’m so excited for her! She has 200 lbs to lose herself and I am excited to see her begin her own journey to greater mobility, less pain and better health. This will be an exciting year for her.

Well, I suppose I’ve managed to finish this post. I don’t like to feel like I’m editing myself or projecting a false “picture” of where I’m at, but I also don’t like feeling like I’m allowing myself to “wallow” in my problems either. Is there a difference between working through your problems and wallowing in them? At what point does it pass from constructive appraisal and reflection to something destructive? Looking back at my post Friday, I guess I feel that was more of the wallowing sort whereas today I’m truly trying to get a better understanding about where my head is at so that I can have an intelligent conversation with this therapist when I see him. With that said, I guess I’ve answered my own question.