I've got a case of the grumpies

Note: This was Written last night. My apologies for not getting up. For the record, we had our hearing today and things were sorted for now. We just have to see what Tanner is going to do.
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I’ve been super-extra-mega grumpy all week :(. I can’t tell what is causing it though; lowering my depression meds, all the crap going on in my life, or low-carbing. Really any one of those things could cause a mild case of the grumpies at the very least, but the three of them really is quite the triumvirate isn’t it?

I’ve blogged recently about how I’ve lowered my dosage on the depression medication I have been taking for years now. Previously, I was on a rather low dose to begin with; about half what doctor’s consider a “therapeutic level.” In the last month, I’ve cut that even further by half, so I suppose now I’m on a fourth of the therapeutic dose. Some positive effects of decreasing my meds are listed below:

• More energy
• More motivated to exercise and stay on my diet regime
• More “emotional” overall; yes this is a positive, much better than the same flat affect all the time.
• I feel the DESIRE to get my life back again as opposed to being frustrated with it, yet having no desire to really change anything.

Possible negative effects of reducing my meds:

• I’m grumpy/shorter fuse/less patience
• Sleeping less and not sleeping as good as I did before

I suppose listing them out like that, it doesn’t seem like that bad of a trade off, but then you guys haven’t had the pleasure of living with me over the last few weeks. Poor Tanner has asked me at least 4 times this week why I’m mad so it is obviously apparent to him as well. Of course, he’s one of the reasons I’m grumpy too :/ darn kid!

So, on to the next reason I might have a terminal case of the grumpies: Tanner. We went to have our hearing on Monday, but when they heard we were bringing our lawyers, they rescheduled for tomorrow. So, Erik and I have had another entire week to look forward to whatever is going to happen. Since then, Tanner had another meltdown at school. Luckily nobody was hurt, but he did almost destroy a computer after pushing it off the table and we were asked to pick him up. They suspended him again and he resumed his role as house slave until we can sort this out.

At this point, Erik wants to send him back to his old setting (he went half day to a school for ED kids and half day to a school for severely mentally challenged kids.) Neither one is probably that appropriate for him, but as always….nobody knows what the heck to do with him. He has so many different issues going on (PDD, hearing loss, static developmental encephalopathy, etc.) that he doesn’t really “fit” anywhere. I don’t necessarily want to send him back to the school for mentally challenged kids because he is a smart kid and functions at a much higher level than most of the kids that were in his classes there. He is having a hard enough time accepting his deafness at his age, being in a school where he can tell everyone is mentally challenged only affects his self image even more.

On the other hand, I’m not all that excited about sending him back to the school for the ED kids (emotionally disturbed) because he isn’t necessarily ED (although they’ve hung that label on him for lack of something else). Tanner isn’t the way he is because he’s had traumatic experiences in his life that have affected his mood stability or ability to interact with other people. He has BRAIN DAMAGE that causes his low frustration tolerance and meltdowns. Before he started going to this ED school, we hardly EVER had a problem with him cursing. Now, he has a whole lovely repertoire of words and gestures he employs when he gets upset. He hardly ever uses them at home, but apparently they hear them all day long at school. I just honestly don’t know what to suggest. I guess we will see what happens at the meeting tomorrow as that is something everyone in the ARD committee has to decide on.

So, we move on to the final thing giving me a horrid case of the grumpies….life in general. Getting my car repossessed was no fun that’s for sure. I’m upset because I had been paying on it and would have been happy to continue paying for it, but ultimately they said the only way I’d ever see the pink slip was if I paid off my car AND any other debt I have with them (a mastercard.) I am not proud of the fact that we are in the sort of situation we are financially, but I struggled for as long as I could while Erik tried to find himself and then it just got ridiculous. I’m not completely blaming Erik; a lot of our debt was due to circumstances beyond our control…having a kid in and out of a hospital, not being able to work, selling our house at a huge loss, etc, but it was also due to the fact that we lived beyond our means. It always felt like feast or famine with us. We’d have months where times were very lean and we were paycheck to paycheck and then when we got a little bit of extra money, we’d “treat” ourselves.

We had actually paid our debt completely off several times, it was only the last few years before all hell broke loose with Tanner that we allowed the debt to get out of control. As I mentioned, I was putting Erik through school and we counted on him having a decent job that would allow us to pay everything off once he was done. Of course that never happened so we found ourselves with a mountain of debt. I really think that if Erik had gotten a better job or at least a second job, the extra money would have allowed us to pay everything off, but he didn’t and working 80 hours a week started to wreak havoc on my health. Whatever…..excuses excuses. We all have them I suppose. All I can say is that I will NEVER get myself into this position again! Lesson learned.

I am grateful that at least we still have a car; even if it is a 2000 Toyota Echo that sometimes locks you in and makes me feel like a huge behemoth. I swear, I feel like I’m wearing the darn thing when I get in, but even that is a blessing I think. I’m not comfortable driving the car so it will be even more motivation to continue working towards my goals where my weight is concerned. It still makes me grumpy when I have to shoehorn my behind in the darn thing though. Did I mention it doesn’t have A/C either? Good times…

Lots going on this week, I hope to share some of it as we move along. Let’s just get through tomorrow and see where we wind up. As always, thanks for the support and thanks for reading!

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