Day 5 &6: 435...The true test!

I had the MOST stressful day yesterday. Stress at work, then stress when Tanner got home from school. It was the kind of stress that slowly amps up until, before you know it, your blood is boiling, you are between tears and rage..oh yeah, it was bad. I won't bore you with the details because, well....they are boring, but by the time we were ready to decide what we were going to do for dinner, I needed a drink and a box of chocolate STAT!

I don't normally get this stressed out anymore. A few years ago, this was fairly commonplace though. We usually always felt like one of those clowns with the sticks that end in rotating plates, doing this crazy juggling act while swimming in shark infested waters. There was always at least 5 things going wrong at once. Typically, this was when I gave myself FULL permission, diet or not..to eat whatever the heck I wanted. I didn't even look back. Usually, that one meal would start a sudden spiral into another meal and then weeks of fattening meals and poor food choices and it was always harder to get back on a diet later.

I won't lie to you, yesterday I was stressed out enough that I had a tiny *whisper* of suggestion to go off my eating plan, but heck...I was used to this drill sergeant style voice ORDERING me to get a fix NOW NOW NOW!! To make matters worse, I had promised Tanner that if I couldn't find a way to get him to this school function (no car remember...poor kid doesn't get invited to much and he really wanted to go), we would order out. I know...bad mom, but I couldn't think of a better way amid all the stress to soothe the sting of missing an outing at a pizza parlor for kids from his school. I'll work on this later.

So, I pulled up the menu of his favorite place to see what I could eat. Tanner wanted his usual hamburger and fries and these cinnamon balls he liked, but I told him I was drawing the line at the hamburger and fries. If he wanted dessert, he could have some fruit or a skinny cow bar (that relieved a smidgen of guilt I felt over using food to comfort him). I couldn't decide what to get for myself so I called the restaurant and told them I needed a salad with some kind of low cal, low fat dressing..what did they recommend? I have NO idea what it is called...it is some Mediterranean salad..pushka, babushka? I don't think it is on the menu, but there is a picture of it at the top of my blog. The HUGE pita is above the salad, I know it is blurry, but best I could do with my phone. I had her describe it to me and honestly...it didn't sound all that great..your typical salad with a Mediterranean spin (lettuce, onions, tomatoes, green bell peppers, garlic). The dressing was a bit of EVOO and lemon juice. I had them throw some grilled chicken on it and was done.

I have to tell you, it was SO good! I honestly think Tanner was jealous because it smelled amazing! MUCH better than his hamburger. It came with a huge piece of pita bread and between the bread and huge salad, I wasn't able to finish it, but I came close. By the end of the meal I felt a bit overfull, but so good knowing that I had made a healthy choice and had actually enjoyed it. I think I'm a little nervous though because of course, they don't have nutritional information and in my head...anytime anything tastes THAT good, there is a catch...some hidden fat somewhere that is going to show up on the scale in a few days. Guess we'll have to wait and see.

For now, I am down to 435 from 444 most recently. That was down from 452 around Feb/March, but I'm only really counting from 444. So, I'm down almost 10 lbs the first week. Erik has been encouraging me to do something for myself on my days off (today and tomorrow). I had a friend come over today, but we ended up chatting a bit and before we knew it she had to go get her daughter from school. I had asked her if she could take me to get my glasses fixed tomorrow and she agreed so I figured that was how I'd spend my day tomorrow. Erik happened to text me about that time telling me that I needed to do cancel any work I had planned and schedule something just for me. I texted him back and told him about the glasses. He didn't text me back, but in true Erik form, he came home to get ready to go to his second job. The first thing he said was, "Ok, now when I tell you to go out and do something for yourself, I didn't expect you to go all HOGWILD and schedule something like an eye exam!" I just laughed and he said "Come on now, let's not get crazy," and again reiterated that I needed to do something else!

So, to shut him up...I called shannon and told her we were going for mani/pedis tomorrow instead YAY! I still had some birthday money (mine was april 21st) and I knew if I didn't spend it soon, I was going to use it to pay a bill or some other practical use. I will tell you the truth though..I'm dreading it a little bit because I never know what sort of position they are going to try to get me in for the pedi or how long they are going to curse my overgrown toenails and elephant skin feet in vietnamese, but wth... Nice to be getting out and doing something for myself that I feel I actually deserve :) Update tomorrow ;)

Day Four: Shhhh Let's not Jinx anything mmk?

Yep, yours truly has managed to stick to the plan...oh wait a minute we aren't planning anymore are we? Shoot...well, I've managed to not pig out or eat crap that is going to add weight for four straight days. I stepped on the scale today and was down another 2 lbs so that is 8 since saturday.

I'm really tired so I can't blog for long, but I wanted to note that today, apart from all the usual aches and pains, I felt the best that I've felt in a long time...not so lethargic mainly. I'd be doing so much more if my body was just cooperating. Right now I think the problem is the chair I'm using to work from. I had a Lazboy that I used...because it got to the point that sitting in a real chair, day after day, meant mama's feet looked like 12 lbs of sausage in a one pound casing by the end of the week. So...the chair...broke. Yep, I guess you can only load up a lazyboy with so much woman for so long before he starts hitting the mat in agony and crying "Uncle!" So some friends of mine took him in for a little spa treatment, get a few things tightened and reinforced and then he'll come home to mama again like a good boy. Hopefully mama will be about 10 lbs thinner by then and not such a burden to cradle when she is working.

Anyway, so Ive been using a different recliner. A smaller one and something about the way I sit in it just jacks up my legs like you wouldn't believe. I think that is why I'm seeing my knees flare up and feeling so much discomfort when I get out of it. I may just try sitting in regular office chair tomorrow and see how I do.

If you want to see what I ate today have at it, take a look. It's all there. You can see I haven't had much exercise or activity. That would be mainly due to the problems with my legs. Honestly, they may be keeping me from exercise at the moment, but the pain is a constant reminder about why I need to keep trucking along right now. But you know what? I can do those back exercises...they work out my legs as well as my lower back and abs...off to do those before I get too tired guys...have a good night. See you for day 5 :)

There are some benefits to the stomach flu going around

I stepped on the scale and saw today that I'm back down to 438. I had managed to creep back up to 444 over the last stretch where I wasn't posting. Again, I know I'm losing water at the moment, but weight is weight on this body lol.

Obviously I "stuck to my diet" today since my stomach wasn't cooperating. I'm not super sick really, (TMI ALERT) just anything I eat goes right through me. I know, you probably could have closed your eyes tonight without more information on my bowel functions...sorry about that. If you want to take a look at what I've eaten today, take that into consideration because I haven't even broken 1000 calories.

Don't think that the only reason I've stuck to my diet (for three days straight so far...actually the longest stretch I've managed in quite some time) only because I was under the weather. I had many opportunities to eat something that wouldn't have been on a good meal plan (because it wasn't vomiting that was the problem...my appetite was fine). I can't really pinpoint what is different in my head RIGHT NOW as opposed to a week ago, but I hope it doesn't disappear as quickly as it seemed to appear.

I was talking to my cousin tonight about it and I liken how I feel right now to how I felt when I was pregnant with Tanner and having a hard time quitting smoking. I quit when I found out I was pregnant, but what Erik didn't know at the time (he knows now) was that I probably snuck one to three cigarettes a day for quite a few months. I did that up until Tanner started moving. I loved that feeling...I was kind of a worrywart (too much education about all that COULD go wrong in a pregnancy) but as long as the little one was moving, I knew he was ok. Poor kid, there were many times he would stop moving for too long and I'd go chew a bunch of ice and swallow it until he started to wake up again lol (probably to get away from the icebox my stomach had become). Anyway, once he started moving, I noticed something every single time I had a cigarette; he would, within half an hour of smoking, stop moving...for HOURS. It got to the point where the stress I experienced waiting for him to start moving again was just NOT worth the occasional cigarette. That was probably the only thing that would have gotten me to quit to be honest. Once I had him, anytime I thought about having a ciggarette I would think "So are you going to start smoking like you did before the pregnancy? Because that is exactly where you will be in a week..you know it." Then I'd imagine having to watch Tanner in his playpen, exersaucer, etc from the patio door while I grabbed a few minutes for the occasional cigg break and I knew that NO...I did not want to end up a regular smoker again. Of course when my mom got Lung Cancer, watching her go through the last 11 horrendous months of her life essentially cured me of ever putting another one back in my mouth.

So, what I realized is what I am feeling right now is JUST like when I finally quit smoking only now it is food instead of cigarettes and losing the rest of my mobility is the thing haunting my food choices of late. It is about time I was well and truly TERRIFIED of the position I am in. I know I'm teetering on the tightrope between bed-bound existence and/or death. I just hope...like the smoking...I can continue to be afraid of plummeting from that tightrope any day now. I don't think it is too late for me...but it is damn close...

The best laid plans often go awry...

Yes, I've been MIA for several days and yes...that means I let myself get sidetracked with life and forget about all the PLANS and goals I set last time. I haven't really gone off my diet horrendously, but I aint losing any weight either AND because I've had continued problems with my back and knees, I can feel my strength dwindling daily...and that is NO exaggeration unfortunately. I am now beginning to see daily drops in the ease with which I can do anything that requires moving this body around. I stand up after sitting for a while and i have to stand there a minute for my body to adjust (so my knees or legs don't give out on me). Same thing happens getting out of bed. Every step takes effort and walking from my bedroom to the kitchen is wiping me out. I know this is because this past month my activity has been further reduced by the other health problems I've had (back, knee, cyst), but it is scaring the crap out of me.

Over the past year, you've watched me post goal after goal and make plan after plan only to fall short within a certain period of time. Believe me, I'm just as frustrated with myself as you probably are. It is hard to sit back and watch anyone contribute to their own destruction..whether it is by drugs, alcohol, spending too much, or failing to stick to a reasonable diet and exercise program. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for people who actually know and love me to sit back powerless while I continue to stuff my face with food and skip the gym or treadmill day after day.

So, apart from today's declaration...which is kind of a plan I guess...I'm going to stop telling you what I'm GOING to do and only post what I am actually DOING each day. I realize psychologically something happens in my head whenever I think up a new plan or post goals. I half heartedly stick to them, but most often...the PLAN almost makes me feel as if I have actually accomplished something. It is almost as if it gives me a breather on actually FOLLOWING THROUGH on the plan. Psychologically I feel as if I've accomplished something and I don't focus on all the things I'm NOT doing. It may not make sense to any of you, but I really think that PLANNING is doing me more harm than good. I know what I need to do. You guys know what I need to do.

So, starting yesterday, here is what I've accomplished:

1. Stuck to my diet for the last two days and logged what I was eating in sparkpeople. I think that link will take you to view it. Note the date though. I don't know if it will just take you to today's date or if it will take you to my newest updated date each time. If it doesn't take you to an updated page, you should be able to browse backwards or forwards.
2. walked a few laps up and down the hallway.
3. Have done 40 supported squats (I either put my back against the wall to support my back or hold on to two chairs on either side so that I can support some of my upper body using my arms instead of my legs.) I feel it burning in my quads so I know I'm doing something lol.

I know those are pretty lame accomplishments, but they were more than I did the preceding days. If I can accomplish any other diet or exercise feats today, I will post them later tonight.

Checking in

Well, we celebrated my birthday this weekend. Erik was a true sweetheart, he cleaned the house (that had gone to hell while I was sick), brought me a dinner from my favorite restaurant (no it wasn't low cal, but since I was coming off my stomach trouble, I ate MUCH less than I normally would have and even threw away the rest) on friday night.

Last night, we had a friend and her daughter come over for spaghetti dinner and Erik had hors d'oeuvres, salad and Shannon brought a delicious red wine. I normally can't drink red wine because it causes migraines and aggravates my rosacea, but I allowed myself half a glass because it was so delicious! No migraine and no major rosacea problems. I kept my portions of everything small and had a piece of the cookie cake Erik bought and that was it. Let me tell you...after many days of fruit, soups, ginger ale and perrier....I can't tell you how horrible I felt after eating all this rich food :P I can really feel it today. I think I really needed that because I was finally feeling better, got my energy back, was feeling like a real person again, but after splurging...even modestly on such sweet and rich foods, I felt like absolute crap today. Stomach bothering me again, my energy level WAY down, etc. Point taken.

Erik "bought" me some books (this one, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307454541/ref=oss_product, and this one) and a new kettle so that I can make all my fancy teas in. I say "bought" because I actually ordered them and said "I ordered what I wanted for my birthday, why don't you and tanner wrap them up and give them to me as presents from the two of you lol?" As busy as he's been, I knew he wasn't going to be able to get out to get me anything. He still came through with the great dinner (both nights) AND even got me a beautiful bouquet of roses (all different colors)...there were even a few salmon colored roses that made me think of mom which was nice.

The last time I checked I was around 437/438. I'll weigh again tomorrow and hope that the eating I've done hasn't undone too much. If it has, I'll just get busy losing it again. I've been doing random things lately to try to strengthen my legs. I've tried to work in two to three rounds of squats (10 each) a day. Last night before bed, I actually did 20!! I've also been doing tip toe raises to work on my calves and this morning when I got out of bed, I was actually sore and I was EXCITED to be sore :)

I don't know...after the last month or so of feeling like I was on the slippery slope towards permanent immobility, I really just realized that I am the ONLY thing standing in my way. Unfortunately someone isn't going to conk me over the head and give me the liposuction of a lifetime so I need to just suck up all my excuses and get it done. I need to focus on what I CAN do right now and enjoy the small victories and sooner or later, I'll be seeing some bigger results.

Believe it or not, I have all this optimism AND I had to resort to taking ambien the last three days (some tylenol shortage or something). those of you who have followed me for a while know that ambien seemed to cause severe depression, but so far so good. If I start whining again and talking all maudlin, remind me to get off the ambien lol.

Oh! Back is feeling better, still doing the exercises, still taking all the meds too, but its doing better. Cyst seems to be healing so fingers crossed, it doesn't come back.

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'm trying to come up with 5 things I can change right now. I've thought of the following so far:

1. No more soda (diet or otherwise...while I was sick, I drank ginger ale and a bit of coke, but I'm off them again). Perrier seems to give me the fix I need without all the sugar and caffeine so yay perrier!

2. Continue doing back exercises at least once a day. I've added in a few more squats and calf raises just to help strengthen my legs.

3. Get my 5 servings of fruits and veggies in each day.

4. Drink 64 oz. of water a day.

5. Do SOMETHING with Tanner each day to incorporate more activity in our lives. Even if it is a one minute walk on the treadmill or crunches in bed (I can't get on the floor right now....getting down is the easy part, getting back up is another matter), 5 minutes of an exercise video, etc. But it has to be with tanner!

So there is my list for this week. I think I'm going to sit down with Tanner too and see if he can come up with 5 things to change this week. Maybe If I get him focused more on change and not so much on what he can't eat or do, etc it won't seem so bad. I'll let you know how that goes.

Hope you have a wonderful sunday!

Tired of being sick!

I've spent the better part of this week battling some kind of stomach ailment and it has just wiped me completely out. I'm feeling better today and actually stepped on the scale to see I'm at 437 and some change so I guess it was good for something since I was around 444 pre illness. I realize the weight will probably come right back once I start eating mormally, but I'm going to try to ride the wave as much as I can. I'd love to be below 430 before the end of the month.

Problem is....I am extremely weak at the moment. I've spent most of the last several days either in my recliner trying to work or in bed. Yesterday I slept from around midnight the night before through to 2:30pm the next day. This morning I didn't get up until around 10:30 AM and then only really because my body was aching from lying around so much. I feel better though. We'll see how I do when I have breakfast. I'm going to try a smoothie to start with. I need to do something to get my strength up though. I'm going to start my back exercises back up and start there.

My back is feeling better. It is still pretty weak, especially since I been sleeping so much. Here's hoping I can just continue to build on the back exercises and grow from there. I really need to focus on strengthening my legs as well because I'm really DONE with the lethargy I feel walking from my desk to the bathroom. So I think I may do some extra "wall" squats. Gosh I miss going to Denny's (the gym I used to go to). Maybe sometime this year I'll get back to him. He's definitely in my plan though when I have this surgery. If anyone can make sure that I'm fit and sporting some attractive definition, it will be him!

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Made it to the Doctor

Ok, I know I was a big whiney mess last night. I actually ended up getting some decent sleep after Erik got home from work and killed the smoke alarm that was “dinging” every 30 seconds. Woke up this morning and got straight to the doctor. Fortunately he didn’t have to cut on me anymore or even repack the wound. He said it is healing nicely and hopefully shouldn’t have anymore trouble with it. I’m a bit worried because he put some triple antibiotic cream on the wound before rebandaging and all I could think about was that other doctor I saw at the texas med clinic when this first started. If you don’t remember, she’s the one that told me how horrible Neosporin was for open wounds. She basically blamed the Neosporin I’d been using for making the wound even worse. I guess we’ll see if this ointment they used causes any problems. I was just grateful that he didn’t have to repack the stupid thing.

Incidentally, I asked again why he didn’t use lidocaine to numb the area before he starts carving a patient up and the answer was “he just doesn’t” period, end of sentence. Before the dr came in, I asked if they could go ahead and use some this time around and the nurse said, “oh, it will take longer for it to work than it takes to repack the wound so it isn’t worth it.” Made no sense to me since I had to lay there for about 10 minutes waiting for the doctor to come in (I spent it doing my back exercises lol), but as I said… he didn’t have to cut anymore so it was a non issue thankfully.

So, what am I doing today? I started off my morning with a cup of cottage cheese (or “queso cottage” as it reads on the generic crap Erik bought at the store this week and yes, you CAN taste the difference) and a yogurt. I did my back exercises and later on my break I’m going to walk as many laps as I can until my back starts to tell me it is time to sit down. For lunch, I’m going to have a lean cuisine or a shake and for dinner, tanner and I will probably have lean cuisines or hamburgers (soy burgers). I may even try to get a few more laps up and down the hall after work tonight. That is my plan for today. It is simple. It is doable.

The Universe isn't whispering anymore

Tonight, I feel like the powers that be are no longer whispering in my ear, they are standing in front of me and screaming drill sergeant style to make the necessary changes or else. In the last 24 hours, I've had to contend with my recliner breaking (the one I sit in to work) and had to work from a different chair which has aggravated my back again. I just changed the bandaging on my cyst and the packing came out :( I have to find some way to get to the dr before work tomorrow so he can repack it and rebandage it. The bandages won't really stay where they are supposed to because my darn stomach hangs and moves around to much so the tape is coming undone and it is so gross and disgusting and I'm just TIRED of it.

To make matters worse, I just want to go to bed and I'm out of tylenol PM so I know I won't get a decent night's sleep because of the sleep apnea AND to make matters worse one of our freaking smoke alarms just started beeping and guess who can't climb up on a chair to change the battery because she is such a fatty bumbalatty?? Oh yeah, this girl isn't getting any sleep tonight :(

I know this is ridiculous to say, but this is absolutely the MOST disabled I've ever felt guys. I literally feel like someone who is dying just a little bit every day. The scary part is, it isn't some death in the far off future anymore. I turn 40 in 10 days and more and more my death feels imminent and I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to turn this ship around and get it headed in the right direction :(

Born to be Mild!

The picture above is a mode of transportation I suggested to Erik. It is for sale at the very affordable price of $1500. Erik wasn't all that excited about it lol. I pointed out the flames on the side and how "cool" they were and suggested that maybe we could get some red tassles for the handle bars and maybe a butch it up with a basket with a skull painted on it, but he still wasn't biting. Idk what his problem was, but oh well. He did mention something about he wouldn't be caught dead on a "flaming" scooter so I guess we are going to make do with one car for a while longer.

Feeling better today. I'm really hoping that the lethargy was related to this cyst and any infection there is there. I've had two doses of the antibiotic. Not sure if that is enough to start making a difference in how I'm feeling or not. It could just be that I've had more sleep than waking hours the last several days and my body has just started to bounce back.

Tanner has been complaining this week about back pain and pain in his hip :( Yep, I'm fairly certain it has to do with his own weight issues. He could probably stand to lose about 50lbs :(. Of course I feel like a horrible mother and I should! At his age, his weight is directly resulting from what I allow him to put in his mouth. It has kind of given me more motivation to try to spend the next month and a half building up what I can do so that in the summer we can start working out together. I'm trying to make it more appealing by talking about how he will be able to go back to school looking snazzy and how much the girls at his school will love it, etc lol. Right now, it is ALL about the chicas with his boy!

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Spring "Cleaning" Medical Torture Style

Yesterday I did laps in my hallway at home. It is a pretty long hallway as hallways go and I managed 30 laps (front and back) so that was probably better than the walk I got outside. Today I went to the doctor and after his torture I didn't feel like doing much at all.

He said that it looked like the previous docs hadn't been treating it appropriately. Apparently they should have kept packing it until it healed, but they didn't and that is why it keeps coming back. He said that the "cyst wall" was still there so he had to "clean" it out at the office today. Of course "clean" was a euphemism for "get-out-my-scalpel-and-cut-away-at-your-abdomen-with-absolutely-NO-local-anesthesia." Yes, it was horrible because he gave me no warning. One second he's telling me he has to "clean" the wound and the next I feel him slicing into my stomach. He also felt it might help if he told me everything he was doing as he was doing it. Oh yeah, thanks for the visual imagery I can now pair with the searing pain. All I wanted to do was go to my happy place until it was over.

I have to get back to him on Monday so that he can change the packing and bandaging. Here's hoping the pain was worth it and we can finally say adios to this thing once and for all.

I didn't walk today, but I'll get back on board tomorrow.

Walking with Pictures :)

The picture you see above is from google actually, but that is my street with my house (duplex) on the right. I tried to show my path for yesterday, hopefully you can make out what I did. If you blinked, you might have missed me, but I don’t want to overdue it with my back just now on the mend YAY! I know it is pretty pathetic. I could have probably walked a bit further, but with me, there is always the knowledge that I have to be able to make it back so I'd rather be safe than sorry. I also had an incident a few weeks ago (that I'll share with you guys later) that scared the crap out of me so I try to be much more careful walking outside on uneven surfaces.

Every day I’m feeling a little bit better, however…I think I know why I’ve been feeling kind of crappy the past few days (with nausea and lethargy). The wound from hell is back AGAIN. Yes, this is the same darn thing that started last fall. I’m going to try to get into the doctor over the next few days because someone commented on my blog the last time it reared its ugly head that it could be a form of strep bacteria. It is so bizarre because it will heal over, be ok for several weeks and then start flaring up again almost as if it is a brand new cyst. Eventually it ruptures and then I spend days cleaning and bandaging it until it heals over again. I just want to get RID of it for good. I don’t know if it is just coincidence or what, but it usually flares up right around the time I have a bout of this nausea and lethargy so they must be connected. Anyway, I’m going to have to see if Erik is working over the next two days so that I can get into the doctor. If he is, I can probably call a friend to take me in to get it looked at.

Anyway, I don’t think it is flaring up because of the walking I’ve been doing. Let’s face it…it isn’t much walking…not really much more than what I do around the house, so I doubt it is the walking aggravating it. Maybe that was coincidental in the past. So frustrating, but I suppose it is just another prod from God to lay off the reeses cups.

Incidentally…I had a mini binge on reeses cups yesterday. Tanner apparently went to Target with his school and used his money to buy dad and I some easter candy since he didn’t have anything for us on easter lol. Initially I allowed myself to have one PB egg and told him to hide the rest for daddy. He got sidetracked and left them in my office. I knew they were there, but managed to avoid them for most of the evening and then…at some point around 10pm I went nuts for about 5 minutes and had about 4-5 cups one right after the other! Uggh..oh well. I had stuck to my eating plan for the day so while I wasn’t happy about succumbing to the temptation, I did pat myself on the back for stopping before they were ALL gone (even though that was mostly because I knew Tanner would be upset if DAD didn’t get any lol). I sent Erik a guilty text saying “I just had about 4 reeses cups one right after the other! Don’t tell Tanner lol.” Is that not addict behavior lol? Kuh-razy.

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One Step At a Time

Today, I’m going to slip my tennis shoes on after I get off work at 6pm and take Tanner for a walk. I’m probably only going to get down my driveway and past the next house and back the first time, but every day, I’m going to try to make it one step further. By the end of the summer, I should be walking the neighborhood don’t you think?

I suppose I could hop on the treadmill and time it, but I want to do something WITH Tanner and we both won’t fit on the treadmill. If there are neighbors out, I’m sure I’ll get some funny looks. People may wonder what the hell we are doing every night taking our mini walks, but so what. Every day I’m going to push myself to get one step further and I KNOW I’ll do it. I’m hoping that having a REAL TANGIBLE goal for each day (some landmark on my street) to get to will keep me focused and motivated. I’ll let you know tomorrow how far we got. Maybe I’ll take a few pics of our street and show you each day how far we manage to get. I just don’t want to lose the psychological momentum I seem to have right now.

I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be approaching my 40th birthday (April 21st), but that doesn’t mean I have to be in the same damn place when I turn 41. Right now, I have simple goals. I just want to be strong enough to start doing my own grocery shopping some time this summer. I’ll get there, one step at a time.

Ok, I'll say it for you: QUITCHER BITCHEN!!!

Ok, maybe you guys wouldn't be quite so harsh, but geez...even I'm tired of hearing me drone on and on and on about the same old crap and not DOING anything about it.

I’m having one of those days where I’m tired of it all. Tired of being so limited in my mobility, tired of still being 440 lbs or thereabouts. Tired of my life being the same old routine of work, cook dinner, watch a bit of tv, go to sleep only to rinse and repeat the next day. I’m sick to death of it ya’ll. Most of all, I am sick to damn death of hearing me WHINE about it, knowing that this is all something well within MY reach to rectify. I put myself in this predicament and I am the only damn person that can get myself out of it.

I’ve decided that I’m going to see if I can get some junk vehicle that will work well enough to at least get me to the gym and back at a decent hour. Since we only have one car and Erik is working two jobs OUT of the home, I never really get the car which is frustrating. If I want to work out, I have to wake up at 5am which I’m ok to do, but I’m working three jobs at the moment so I have my day job and then when tanner goes to bed, I usually work at least another 2-4 hours before bedtime at midnight…isn’t entirely conducive to a 5am gym call.

Another reason I want another vehicle is because summer is coming and I really want to start taking tanner WITH me to the gym. The pool will be opening up soon and that was always something we could do together at the YMCA, but again…we need a vehicle to get there.

For now, I’m going to keep doing what I CAN do at home (my back exercises, weights, working my way up on the treadmill) and trying to sort out the car situation. I’m also going to start tightening the belt on my food consumption. I’ve not done horrible, but I could do a lot better and the fact that I’m not losing any weight (not gaining any either) speaks to that fact.

The BIG question is…how am I going to remember how I feel right NOW when I encounter another setback (because, lets face it…we know SOMETHING is going to sideline me at some point…there is always something). I’m really tired of allowing myself to be sidelined by various things. So what…I’m depressed. I’d rather be skinny and depressed than fat and depressed lol. So I’m stretched financially…I’d rather be skinny and poor than fat and poor. I just can’t seem to find the WILL to persevere in my weight loss and exercise goals when I’m down about some other aspect of my life (tanner, finances, erik, etc.) Any tips for how to stay focused?

PS. back feeling much better today (shhhhh don't repeat that out loud, it'll probably jinx me)

Still feeling like crap

Well, I spent most of my two days and a half (Tues, Wed, Thurs) in bed, worked a few days and had to stop early yesterday because I just wasn't feeling well. I can't really explain it...I feel kind of nauseous, tired, all the usual aches and pains with my back and knees. I have tried to get back on my therapeutic dose of metformin and honestly that can make you feel like death warmed over for a while until your body gets used to it. I hope that is what my problem is.

My back is doing better but still pretty weak. I missed a few days doing the exercises, but have started them back up again. Being in bed so much has made me weaker. I think today is my first full day out of bed. I worked all day, got off and made Tanner and I a quick dinner of scrambled eggs (we were out of practically everything else and he didn't want a lean cuisine). I figured my body could use the protein anyway. I have to work a few hours later tonight and I think I'll be ok for that. I'm not so much tired as my body just feels so damn exhausted all the time. Maybe I just need to regain my strength from the past few weeks? I hope that is all it is because I don't like feeling like this at all.

Here's hoping this week will see me moving around more and feeling better. I feel like I'm over the hump with the metformin so maybe this week, I'll feel like adding more to my "workout" routine. Right now, strengthening my legs is my main priority. The back exercises give my legs a little bit of a workout too. I may just start adding in a few more squats here and there.

Anyway, that's me in a very boring nutshell. cheers!