My Progress!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The best laid plans often go awry...

Yes, I've been MIA for several days and yes...that means I let myself get sidetracked with life and forget about all the PLANS and goals I set last time. I haven't really gone off my diet horrendously, but I aint losing any weight either AND because I've had continued problems with my back and knees, I can feel my strength dwindling daily...and that is NO exaggeration unfortunately. I am now beginning to see daily drops in the ease with which I can do anything that requires moving this body around. I stand up after sitting for a while and i have to stand there a minute for my body to adjust (so my knees or legs don't give out on me). Same thing happens getting out of bed. Every step takes effort and walking from my bedroom to the kitchen is wiping me out. I know this is because this past month my activity has been further reduced by the other health problems I've had (back, knee, cyst), but it is scaring the crap out of me.

Over the past year, you've watched me post goal after goal and make plan after plan only to fall short within a certain period of time. Believe me, I'm just as frustrated with myself as you probably are. It is hard to sit back and watch anyone contribute to their own destruction..whether it is by drugs, alcohol, spending too much, or failing to stick to a reasonable diet and exercise program. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for people who actually know and love me to sit back powerless while I continue to stuff my face with food and skip the gym or treadmill day after day.

So, apart from today's declaration...which is kind of a plan I guess...I'm going to stop telling you what I'm GOING to do and only post what I am actually DOING each day. I realize psychologically something happens in my head whenever I think up a new plan or post goals. I half heartedly stick to them, but most often...the PLAN almost makes me feel as if I have actually accomplished something. It is almost as if it gives me a breather on actually FOLLOWING THROUGH on the plan. Psychologically I feel as if I've accomplished something and I don't focus on all the things I'm NOT doing. It may not make sense to any of you, but I really think that PLANNING is doing me more harm than good. I know what I need to do. You guys know what I need to do.

So, starting yesterday, here is what I've accomplished:

1. Stuck to my diet for the last two days and logged what I was eating in sparkpeople. I think that link will take you to view it. Note the date though. I don't know if it will just take you to today's date or if it will take you to my newest updated date each time. If it doesn't take you to an updated page, you should be able to browse backwards or forwards.
2. walked a few laps up and down the hallway.
3. Have done 40 supported squats (I either put my back against the wall to support my back or hold on to two chairs on either side so that I can support some of my upper body using my arms instead of my legs.) I feel it burning in my quads so I know I'm doing something lol.

I know those are pretty lame accomplishments, but they were more than I did the preceding days. If I can accomplish any other diet or exercise feats today, I will post them later tonight.


Diana said...

You're such a sweet person and I hate seeing you struggling so much. I've been reading your blog for a while, and I know this is difficult.

I'm going to suggest something and I hope you don't take it wrong. But have you tried counseling? I've read other blogs where people had a lot of weight to lose and this seems to be a common theme in those that are successful in losing the weight. They seek counseling and it seems to really help.

There's probably something going on emotionally for you that's making this so difficult. Maybe talking it out with a professional would help. Just a thought.

Take care and don't ever give up. :)

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

diana, thanks for reading and keeping up with me. Im not offended at all and I've honestly been thinking about counseling (lord knows I have enough to warrant it outside of the weight problems lol). My main problem is how I'm going to get to counseling if I can find someone. We are functioning on one car atm and erik works two jobs which means the car is gone day and night. He's home on the weekends but I often work the weekends so getting to an appt on the weekend is difficult too.

If we can steer clear of any unexpected expenses, we should start to be able to address some of the financial issues we have to take care of before we get a new car.

Anonymous said...

Trying to lose weight and no longer be obese is proving to be one of the hardest things I've ever tackled, so I completely understand how you feel.

You seem like such a nice person; I would hate to see you become home or bed bound. If this isn't the best time for counseling for you maybe consider doing OA or some other program online. I want to go to a meeting in my area but feel so self conscious.

Please keep posting good or bad so we can support you!

cmoursler said...

oa sounds like a good plan.
I have said all along that the simpler the plan the better and I truly believe that.
I think everyone needs a plan that isn't really a plan. Just benchmarks.
Things like
no more than 1500 calories..
20 minutes of exercise daily.
then, you can work within those parameters and get it done.
everyone has twenty minutes, and it doesn't say what those 1500 calories HAVE to consist of...hell, if it's ho hos it ho hos.
just cut it off at 1500.
That is why my plan worked for me.
I didn't think ten months out. I just thought day to day.
No accomplishments no failures.
Just today.
I know you can do this.
Frustration on the part of other people is other people's issues.
just focus on you.

Kim said...

Like Chris said, no accomplishments no failures. It's easier for me to treat this whole thing as one big science project and honestly after a while I have figured out it really is what I put into my body that makes or breaks me...affects my moods, my hormones, my ambition, my everything. You'll figure out what your triggers are too...just focus on that. If you can figure out what those are, it will help so much. I went to a lot of counseling through the years. I'll just say if you go that route, get reccomendations from friends or ask lots of questions about credentials before going...b/c there's good therapists and bad ones. I've also done OA. I went to like 2 the book. I did learn some good stuff...I think some of the steps are necessary for overcoming binge addiction (which was my problem). I wish the best to you and you can do this. Just don't beat yourself up whatever you do...I've been there and I promise it doesn't bring us closer to our goal. Only LOVING yourself for where you're at and who you are will make it possible for you to win this fight...and you will win. I know it. :)

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

Anonymous: Wouldn’t it be great if it were just as much fun getting it off as it was putting it on? I have heard of OA and actually attended a meeting (one, singular) when I was bulimic. I don’t remember a lot about it to be honest. I never thought about looking them up online though…I may just do that. Thanks for reading and commenting :)

Chris: You are so right. Focusing on the calories per day means that I might be able to allow an indulgence here and there as long as I’m willing to cap it off at 1500-1800 calories a day (sparkpeople is recommending 1800 as the low end although the last few days I’ve been well under 1500). As far as other people being frustrated, I was referring more to how difficult it can be to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves. I recently went through a bunch of crap with a friend who relapsed after almost 10 years of sobriety…she had built a business for herself, done some really great things and now all of that is gone. She stayed with me a few days and I had to witness the transformation from the woman who had turned her life around back into the addict who was drinking, smoking pot and doing ice. That is heartbreaking and frustrating when you know she is the only one with the power to stop what she’s doing. So that is what I meant…

Kim: thanks for the support! I know you are right about loving yourself enough to WANT to make the necessary changes. As is fairly evident by my blog…I’m not my biggest cheerleader by any stretch of the imagination. I’m fairly certain that is what is at the root of my struggles with food. My bulimic period was more about punishing myself than anything else. I remember that some of my WORST binges were when I was mad or upset at myself for something…wow hadn’t thought about that in a long time…I may have to explore this more in a future blog post…thanks for getting me thinking :)