I stepped on the scale and saw today that I'm back down to 438. I had managed to creep back up to 444 over the last stretch where I wasn't posting. Again, I know I'm losing water at the moment, but weight is weight on this body lol.
Obviously I "stuck to my diet" today since my stomach wasn't cooperating. I'm not super sick really, (TMI ALERT) just anything I eat goes right through me. I know, you probably could have closed your eyes tonight without more information on my bowel functions...sorry about that. If you want to take a look at what I've eaten today, take that into consideration because I haven't even broken 1000 calories.
Don't think that the only reason I've stuck to my diet (for three days straight so far...actually the longest stretch I've managed in quite some time) only because I was under the weather. I had many opportunities to eat something that wouldn't have been on a good meal plan (because it wasn't vomiting that was the problem...my appetite was fine). I can't really pinpoint what is different in my head RIGHT NOW as opposed to a week ago, but I hope it doesn't disappear as quickly as it seemed to appear.
I was talking to my cousin tonight about it and I liken how I feel right now to how I felt when I was pregnant with Tanner and having a hard time quitting smoking. I quit when I found out I was pregnant, but what Erik didn't know at the time (he knows now) was that I probably snuck one to three cigarettes a day for quite a few months. I did that up until Tanner started moving. I loved that feeling...I was kind of a worrywart (too much education about all that COULD go wrong in a pregnancy) but as long as the little one was moving, I knew he was ok. Poor kid, there were many times he would stop moving for too long and I'd go chew a bunch of ice and swallow it until he started to wake up again lol (probably to get away from the icebox my stomach had become). Anyway, once he started moving, I noticed something every single time I had a cigarette; he would, within half an hour of smoking, stop moving...for HOURS. It got to the point where the stress I experienced waiting for him to start moving again was just NOT worth the occasional cigarette. That was probably the only thing that would have gotten me to quit to be honest. Once I had him, anytime I thought about having a ciggarette I would think "So are you going to start smoking like you did before the pregnancy? Because that is exactly where you will be in a week..you know it." Then I'd imagine having to watch Tanner in his playpen, exersaucer, etc from the patio door while I grabbed a few minutes for the occasional cigg break and I knew that NO...I did not want to end up a regular smoker again. Of course when my mom got Lung Cancer, watching her go through the last 11 horrendous months of her life essentially cured me of ever putting another one back in my mouth.
So, what I realized is what I am feeling right now is JUST like when I finally quit smoking only now it is food instead of cigarettes and losing the rest of my mobility is the thing haunting my food choices of late. It is about time I was well and truly TERRIFIED of the position I am in. I know I'm teetering on the tightrope between bed-bound existence and/or death. I just hope...like the smoking...I can continue to be afraid of plummeting from that tightrope any day now. I don't think it is too late for me...but it is damn close...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Posted by My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog at 7:44 PM