My Progress!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Universe isn't whispering anymore

Tonight, I feel like the powers that be are no longer whispering in my ear, they are standing in front of me and screaming drill sergeant style to make the necessary changes or else. In the last 24 hours, I've had to contend with my recliner breaking (the one I sit in to work) and had to work from a different chair which has aggravated my back again. I just changed the bandaging on my cyst and the packing came out :( I have to find some way to get to the dr before work tomorrow so he can repack it and rebandage it. The bandages won't really stay where they are supposed to because my darn stomach hangs and moves around to much so the tape is coming undone and it is so gross and disgusting and I'm just TIRED of it.

To make matters worse, I just want to go to bed and I'm out of tylenol PM so I know I won't get a decent night's sleep because of the sleep apnea AND to make matters worse one of our freaking smoke alarms just started beeping and guess who can't climb up on a chair to change the battery because she is such a fatty bumbalatty?? Oh yeah, this girl isn't getting any sleep tonight :(

I know this is ridiculous to say, but this is absolutely the MOST disabled I've ever felt guys. I literally feel like someone who is dying just a little bit every day. The scary part is, it isn't some death in the far off future anymore. I turn 40 in 10 days and more and more my death feels imminent and I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to turn this ship around and get it headed in the right direction :(


cmoursler said...

oh man hon,
You have tomorrow so do what you can a calorie cap...1800 or so and walk your hall.
It is doable. You can do this.
You are still here. Please don't give up. Just get up tomorrow and do it. And then do it again. I did it, you can do it. I know you can.
Don't give in, you can make yourself whole and healthy. I believe in you. Believe in yourself. The higher the mountain, the greater the triumph.

Kim said...

I can sympathize sooo much with this post. I started this journey with 390 lbs. My hands would tingle and my ring and pinky finger were partially numb. I went through a long phase of just getting dizzy while standing. I got a huge blister on my leg where a childhood scar was...a sore that took almost 2 months to heal. I got to the point where I had to find new positions to wash myself properly and "sanitize" properly while in a public restroom. Then there was an episode while I was chest started hurting and I became really dizzy. You'd think I would have went to the hospital, but stupid me just bargained with God to let me live and I'd change. It took getting the sore to really scare me...stupid huh? I don't know why it was that, but I let it be that and started the change. I've lost 27.4lbs. since January 11th and yesterday I had a non-scale victory that made me smile. I was grocery shopping and needed to go to the restroom and didn't have to get into any weird position to "get the job done". It seems like such a small thing and I haven't lost a lot of weight yet, but man it made me happy. Then I realized something else...the numbness in my fingers went away, no weird dizziness, no chest pains, no sores, and no fear of public restrooms anymore...only 27.4lbs. I think looking at the big picture makes this whole process seem so daunting, but even just a little weight lost can mean getting some portion of our normal lives back along with some of our health. Taking it a pound at a time and one small change at a time has really worked this time for me. What I'm saying is don't worry about getting the ship turned around...get the sails ready, make sure the frame is sturdy, and make sure there's plenty of provisions on board before hauling the ship on this big journey. I wish you the best and I know you can do it. :)

K. said...

Do not give up and as Kim said previously do not look at the whole journey ahead of you. Start committing to making one small change a day in the right direction, and soon you will begin to see improvements. If anyone of us can do it, then you most certainly can too! Even if you do not believe in yourself, try to put yourself in autopilot mode and just do what you have to do, the belief will creep in there at some point. Be encouraged that it can all change and that you can totally do it!
my blog:

My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog said...

chris: I'm following your advise today. Keep it simple. I'm not giving up.

Kim: thank you so much for sharing your struggles. I know exactly what you mean about the crazy positions we have to get into just to "get the job done." I am VERY particular about hygiene so that is a biggie for me too. Congrats on your success so far! Hopefully I'll be able to share some real success of my own in the next month :)

I also know exactly what you are talking about when it comes to how much effect losing just a few lbs can have; thanks for reminding me.

K: thanks for your encouragement as well. Today I'm trying to stay focused on small changes I can make that will get my ship headed in the right direction again.

Anonymous said...

For those of us with a tremendous amount of weight to lose it can seem very overwhelming. I think it is very true that just a small amount of weight can make a difference in how we feel and our mobility.

Recently one of my favorite weight loss bloggers died. I was so shocked and saddened. She was only 33 years old and died of a heart attack. It was a big wake up call for me. I can't think of any food worth dying for.

We can do this; one little step at a time. We're all rooting for you!